The purple lady

Apparently I am a terrible person. I actually promised words and started thinking about writing them, then got scared and confused because I was planning silly things and so hid away from my blog. But this is my blog and I shouldnt hide from it, especially since its not really read by anyone. I mean if I had a large amount of subscribers then I would be justified in hiding in a cardboard box and weeping into a ham, since I dont I did neither of those things but thought about writing then thought "Nah." 


I saw a fabulous old lady today, but in order for you to appreciate the joy that she brought me I must tell a story. This is the tale of the old sexy purple lady.


One fair afternoon, during my very first year at university I was sat drinking cocktails in one of the student pubs guarding a friends possessions and potentially awaiting the arrival of others. We were sat near the window so we could lure people away from the evils of lectures with the holy promises of losing ones inhibitions and enjoying tasty things. I was trying to build an octopus out of straws that still allowed for drinking when I realised it was pretty much a ridiculous task and looked up and out of the window I saw the most beautiful thing. Walking across from me was one of the best things I have ever seen. It was an old lady. Everything about her, expect for her skin was purple. She had short lilac hair, and was wearing a deep velvet purple jacket with a matching hat. She was wearing a purple skirt, Im not entirely certain if she had legs as they were either out of my vision or I dont believe in them. She walked up to a nearby wall placed her purple handbag on it, took out a purple mirror fluffed up her hair then put it away and continued on her journey.

The magical old purple lady.

I ran out the door and into my friend as he returned from his quest for lung cancer with a smooth taste. By the time I detangled myself and made it outside she had completely vanished. I was left bitter and disappointed that I had missed her, though its probably for the best as I may have just asked her to marry me. I saw her again occasionally, though mostly when I was running late to lectures so I could never be sure it was her as it was just a glance. The one time I say her for longer than a second I realised not only is gay marriage illegal, but that telling her how awesome of an old lady she was and how I wished to be quiet as cool when I was old would probably be quiet creepy and would result in me getting hit round the head with a purple bag. Probably filled with purple bricks. Just the thought of that little old purple lady makes me smile, and realise that not all old people are grumpy or crazy some actually have spirit and fire left in them. Isnt that something that brings joy to the hearts of all?


Now that you fully understand just how amazing this old lady was, though I probably failed to mention some key points and made myself sound really creepy and with a fetish for the elderly. The latter of those at the very least is not currently true, though I hope it is when I am myself elderly as otherwise I would be a creepy old man. The fact that I would need an elderly sex change to make that happen would make me even creepier... Im disturbing myself now and Im fairly certain that the original point I wanted to make got away from me slightly.. Regardless, wonderous purple lady makes me smile everything I think of her as she represents life continues etc. Whilst riding the bus this fair morn I saw a truely amazing hairstyle on this 50something black lady. I dont say that to be judgemental but because she was one of the unlucky ones that grow afro like hair, which looks good on the males but hasnt looked good on females since scary spice. However it was really short so it looked rather fluffy, but with longer bits that were sticking up that were red. I was honestly impressed by this, because it looked so amazingly good and must have taken so much effort to do. It was honestly one of the best hair things I have ever seen. After this another black lady got on the bus with long braids, some of which were bright pink. I swear it was like amazing black female hair day today or something. Though I mean it was only two... but thats two more people with really funky hair than I saw on any other ethnicity today!


I feel more people should make an effort to make their hair look fabulous and unique even if its just with something shiny in it. The sparkles will attract more sparkly things and soon people will be walking around wearing glitter ball hats. Which would be amazing... maybe I should just do that anyway. Or maybe a big floppy hat with wondrous objects around the side to dazzle people.

This is what I need, its like an up to date easter bonnet... with no mention of spring or easter... it will be the most magnificent thing I ever did own. I would walk down the street and hummingbirds would throw flowers at my feet thats just how great life would be if I owned this.


Ok its bugging me, the amount of effort and work to get all the red bits the same length and so uniform around the head confuses me... crap it was probably a hat.

Merry Wednesday!

A miracle has happened! I found a hedgehog that isnt bound by social constraints, then again it may just be he is rich enough that no one would dare to insult him to his face. He is the world first hedgehog eccentric. He even looks more dapper than the previous hedgehogs I drew actually... I think its fairly likely he is the one who repairs monocles. Clearly molten glass created from mysterious woodland substances in the mossy furrows creates some wonderful gas akin to mercury vapour. He probably likes to think of himself as a revolutionary creature, if he comes up with new fine ideas then he would help improve the lives of so many other hedgehogs. Also if his plan works he would be the first hedgehog to fly!

Lord Henrington zooms along

Perhaps we could all learn a lesson from this. Namely that woodland creatures can somehow make rocket based propellants and skateboards, all that without opposable thumbs... We humans have thumbs the most use mine get is for opening things or pressing the space bar. I am rather ashamed maybe I should learn to play the piano using my thumbs and my tongue, I could get a friendly cat to use its tail to play extra notes if I try to play something difficult. Knowing my luck it would be an evil cat just pretending to help me so it can get close enough to scratch my face into tiny shreds. 


Now Im scared that if I ever attempt to have talent at a musical based skill then it will just end up in pain and face mutilation.


I think I will stick to drawing silly pictures then writing about then or writing inane words and drawing pictures about them so I seems to make sense. If a hedgehog and a wasp ever produced a child it would be terrifying. Every single spine would be the same as the stabby stinger of the wasp, pain would follow then everywhere. They would curl up into a ball then spread their wings and bounce around a room until all their enemies are spiked. A bee child would barely make it into existence.. I dont think honey covered monocles would work out anyway, so I suppose its for the best...


No more hedgehogs for a while, Im starting to bore myself with this post already. I will tell either the tale of the dancing noodles or the alien boyfriend or a mysterious third option. Who knows?

Just passing time

I sat on a chair and ate some beans when suddenly they began to sing. They told me tales of their culture and a mighty history, songs of love and loss were recited, fabulous dances were performed. Flutes were played and guitars were strummed, everything was fabulous. Then I began to lament, I saw how wondrous these beans were and all that they had achieved. Generations of history had been eradicated, the tales they would sing in the future would be of loss, horror and death. I could not let that happen, no I would not let it! So I ate the rest of the beans.

Goat day to you all

Today was not good. To cheer myself up I drew a goat.

His name is Henry. He is a damn fine goat, he has enough balloons attached that he can jump high with ease but that they dont drag him into the sky all the time. Also he wears roller skates, roller skates you ask but what use are they on a mountain?!? Well helium balloons dont last forever, he has to travel to the town to get a refill and since they believe in roads Henry can simply zoom for his helium fix. Im pretty sure goats have knees and thus the ability to jump... I certainly hope so, especially when He seems to be wearing a crown instead of goat horniness. 


Henry needs a friend for when Im not imagining he exists... I should consider this. 

Dinoplanes

I cant decide if I want to ride a dinoplane or just simply be one. If I was one then I would have the sheer awesomeness that comes with dinosaurhood such as giant teeth and a pointy face but I also contain a jet engine. I could carry people all over the world, though not long distance. I would be a nice dinoplane but not nice enough to provide food for people. Id be the freaking plane that means I get to eat first and quiet obviously I would have to eat the tastiest snack that dinosaurs ever heard of. People!! Zombies and cannibals agree therefore it must be true!

Also if I was half dinosaur I could bite people that said my drawing suck. Dinosaurs cant take critical truths, and the ones that can cope with it will simply astound you with connect four skills using your city as the pieces! 

If I owned a dinoplane then I could fly through the air and cover people in glitter or carry a bag of muffins to keep the plane happy as we ride into the sunset. I think it would be harder to use the mystical touchpad abilities of my laptop, it may be worth it if I ever get around to buying a new mouse but until then I will be happy being a human my dinoplane can protect me from cannibals. Thus:

Hedgehogs are pretty awesome. I feel bad for how upset one of the ones I drew looks. One the other foot they shouldnt be so snobby, I mean hes wearing a waistcoat and Im pretty sure he was wearing a monocle before he sat up in glitter based horror. Maybe he sat on it... if he broke it then he will be in so much trouble! Making monocles is super hard for woodland creatures with the whole lack of any way to make glass and everything. He probably inherited it from his grandfatherhog and now will have to remove bits of grandfatherhog eyeglass from his spines. Though in that case they should not react in such rage to glittery things riding through the sky. Greedy greedy hedgehogs...

No more on dinoplanes for a while I think, this I swear by the indifferent power of cupcakes.

I forgot how this was supposed to go...

I'm fairly certain words of this type should be written in comic sans, that way I could pretend I'm thinking these things instead of trying to type with a broken keyboard. Thats right interweb universe I think in comic sans!

The only way to cure this is to get on a dinoplane and ride it like a sexual aerial travelling device whilst tiny hedgehogs whistle at you with jealousy and delight. Then again they wear sleeping mongooses as scarves so they are just being greedy really.


I have a sneaking suspicion that mongeese are somewhat larger than the average hedgehog, also that they may be on opposite sides of the world. That just proves how lavish they are really though. Yet I'm still making them jealous with my ability to ride the dinoplane, which is pretty awesome. There should also be a glitter sprinkle device in case they happen to be looking down at the ground, no one case resist mystical floating glitter and will immediately find the source. Oh how they will gasp with joy and envy.

I probably should have written down words before drawing, now this is just a silly prototype dinoplane with no glitter dispenser or seats or fire... I'll have to draw another one when its not stupidly cold. For a first post Im disappointed in myself already, ah well imaginary readers will have to put up with my semi-delusional rants now. Fear me possible future readers as I write things to help keep me sane ^_^


A better dinoplane that will bring joy to all shall follow, this I swear by the mighty power of jellybeans.