Noodles

Dancing noodles make me happy. There are so many types of noodles and so many different ways to dance... though there are lots more types of dance than noodles but it doesn't really matter. Actually I'm sure Italians would probably disagree with me, but there are pretty contradictory people. Also I'm 10% sure that they only know how to glide across the floor and look moody. That may be goths though... But I think goths and Mafia based pizza/bottomless pasta for €9.99 are synonymous. Or is it 9.99€? I am culturally sensitive! Fear my mighty power!!
I just realised that bottomless food is pretty much an American trait, perhaps the goth Mafia breeds together different types of pasta to make new shinier noodles then feeds the unholy mutant gnocchi-tortellini offspring to American tourists for the noodling cheepy prices. Which only increases their belief that noodles are way more prevalent than differing types of dances.

Aside from that though it's really not important, if a dusty dry piece of taken tries to can can who am I to object? I would suggest that it warms up itself up before it starts though, probably by soaking in some hot steamy liquid but its not like the success of the dance depends on if it listens to me. Except in that example it kinda is. Also all the other ones that take place in my brain box, which some may argue is all of them. Shush metaphorical some people! Maybe I don't give the best example for humanity to follow. I never claimed to be logical or linear in my thought process's! I think noodles need to moisten to become great dancers, it's like how humans practise for years to become great only in a sitting relaxing in a hot pot of water kinda way. I suppose the fresh one are already flexible but they are young and not yet dried out of eaten. Saying they are supple and moist inside age calling them young feels like a really immoral thing to say... so I will not do that. Please note.

Also Strawberry bootlaces totally count, I don't care if they claim to be a sugary treat made of bounciness and crystallised joy. They are long and thin and almost count as edible, what more could you want from noodle based life? Also one time I saw one of them attempting to disco dance because it was under the bizarre impression that it is still the 70's. Silly candy treat, is the now time not the past!

My body hates me

Its pretty much a solid fact now that my body officially hates me as its all powerful and supreme consciousness. There was a meeting last night on how to sabotage me. Luckily it was only my joints that teamed up and did not think to involve the limbs or other bones. Somehow they have gained the ability to create black hole like objects but which only focus on a specific thing. In this case, they have all installed tiny black holes which feed on energy. Without it my joints are sore and useless, and my limbs are slowly being affected too. Im luckily mini black holes still follow the laws of gravitational pull is equals to current mass so its not happening mega fast but still. I woke up barely able to move, who knows if they'll let me wake up tomorrow...

Self awareness cannot be guaranteed

Sometimes people get depressed. This is normal and fine. Well sort of. At any rate being constantly happy is not healthy, if only because as humans we adapt pretty quickly so a higher form of endorphin release is necessary. What is thought of as happiness devalues to contentment and then to normality, then when the things that made you happy go away then your left alone feeling like the world has been ripped away from you. Your brain can't function,  it's left grasping for something, anything that makes it feel alive. Sometimes there is no hope, but if you want to learn to enjoy the small pleasures in life you can be in for a surprise.

In the dead of night, when you are at your lowest a creature shall emerge. It'll slink in stealthily, treading silently on velveted footsteps and slowly make its way to your unconscious form. Once in range it'll float through the air like a whisper and hover above you. The low rumblings of a growl begin to form, its jaw starts to open and the hot meaty breath oozes onto your flesh. As your body begins to wake, the fear reflex kicking in, a strand of warm sticky drool makes it way onto your face. Your eyes flash open and stare straight into the bright amber eyes of the beast. Before you have chance to scream it moves, grabbing any available body part in its gaping maw and drags you out of the warm fortress and into the night. Faster than you can understand you are draped across its back and riding through the night, then suddenly your dropped and fall into unconsciousness. When you awake all that exists is confusion and disorientation, but then it becomes clear that your somewhere warm, and bright, and feels oh so safe. A feeling begins to trickle in, something fuzzy that reminds you of better times. The times when you were able to be content with life. Maybe you walk a while, simply enjoying the simple state of being. Or maybe things move around you, it's hard to tell, whatever the case soon you come across a tree. There is nothing special about the tree, at least no more so than any other tree in existance. It is simply a tree striving to reach the sun and bask in its warm. Upon the tree there sits a cat. A large one, simply reclining on a branch then as if sensing your presence it begins to lazily stretch. Its head rises and its eyes flash open staring deep into yours. Those terrifying endlessly deep, impossibly huge eyes that you saw before arriving in this place, only this time they don't vanish they stare deeper into your soul. You hear or rather feel a voice explain to you how important it is to learn to enjoy the small pleasures in life. The brightness of the eyes begins to burn and you fall away into darkness once again.

The next morning your not sure what's happening, your back in your bed and you feel... not awful. You wouldn't go as far as to say good, but this is such a huge improvement you barely comprehend. Then you reach down and realise your bed seems somewhat more sandy than is usual by anyones standards, somehow it was real. You understand how important the little things in life can be and slowly learn to enjoy them once more.

Of zombies and bunnies

Once upon a time there was a lovely little village, all was happiness and joy until one fateful day. The day Axel was born. Things started to go badly, slowly at first but when he was old enough to go to bunny school there was a turn for the worse. He tried to make friends but for some reason all the other bunnies looked down on young Axel. He couldn't understand why and tried very hard to make the others like him but still he was looked down upon. For some reason they thought he was evil and would not be his friend. Even after Axel ate their parents so they would be free from the tyranny of bed times. Poor Axel just couldn't understand it, and was very confused and lonely. Then when he was at his darkest moment, a realisation struck him if he couldn't be loved and get anybunny else to play with him then he would find a way to be in charge. That way someone would have to play with him!
Axel studied hard at school and discovered science. For some reason all the bunnies feared him even more, but now he was stronger and used his science powers to make a new friend... luckily he had parts lying around from those that had wronged him. He named his new friend Herbert and thought he was most beautiful. Unfortunately for poor Axel, he soon realised his new friend was Jewish and was forced to remove his skin. Now he roams the forest looking for new parts for a suitable wife for young Herbert. He looks forward to playing with their children, but there are only so many pinecones you can remove from a friend before it gets questionable. And thus we have learned no friend is perfect even if you make them yourself.

Peruvian ramblings

Ok so Im almost back from Peru, by which I mean that I fly today at 7pm and I get back to England the next day at 5pm. Thats an insane amount of flying, until you realize it does factor in 6 hours of time delay so in reality its a stupid amount of flying AND jetlag.

My key issue is whilst Ive had an utterly wonderful time out here and quiet frankly would never leave if it were up to me, I still cant get over my disapointment that there are no llamas on Peru money. I mean why? Thats all Peru is, llamas and tourists! America has a non existant bird on their money (or so Im lead to believe), we have the queen on ours. Those are my two examples. Get your famous animals on your money people! Oh I hear you cry but llamas are not everywhere so it would be unfair to the people who dont have access to llama lovin to display them upon the monies. Well the queen isnt everywhere either buddy, contrary to popular belief we dont all know her and go around the corner to her palace for tea. I obviously do, but the others are less lucky. Im fairly certain that Americas bird is no where, but it may be somewhere. In the hearts of its citizens perhaps? But no one can see it so it doesnt count in this example.

 Oh but maybe its racist or culturally insensitive to have positive sterotypical views of a country on your money? you know what? Good! Everything would be better if a country made itself look cooler by displaying its awesomeness upon its money. Like if Peru money had llamas on it, they could have a festival once a year where llamas are paraded around the country being bad ass and everyone gets drunk and dances. Then that one guy takes it too far steals one and tries to spit roast it on a beach somewhere, but thats tourists for you. Ruining everything for the honest hard working Peruvian people! Then in America they could have trailer trash and black people eating chicken or corn or whatever. I dont know, black people eating anything is considered racist in America nowadays right? Of course if the money spends longer than 24 hours outside a bank it will explode in a tiny nuclear explosion and there will be mushroom clouds of joy appearing. A country that can laugh at its own stereotypes is no longer ruled by them and will kick the ass out of everyone. It wont matter that people make jokes about it because they did it first. Though its not really animal based and Im pretty sure it may be hailed as the next halocaust... But the only other badass thing america has is bears, and that just would start a war between them and Russia or be hailed as communistic. Probably best to just keep the dead bird as being America I think. Obviously Russia would be bears and smell like vodka. The Euro would just have a picture of a table with a thing to represent the country so whiskey, cheese, sausages, chocolate, beer all that stuff. But it would look like a poor attempt to outdo Austrailia for awesomeness. Their money would look like a child overdosed on cake and coke and went crazy with a pencil. Just every animals that can kill you squished into once place. Maybe theyd be cool and group it together so the 5 notes would have insects, the 10s would have snakes, the 20s the marsupials, 50s the sea things and if they have 100s which I think everywhere does (except England because we dont even believe 50s are real most of the time) all the sea stuff that will murder you good. Everyone would go there instantly. Money with pretty things on it! Seriously how could anyone resist?

Ok when I get back I will draw money that countries should have so prepare to be updated in an amount of time!

Ah!!

Where did the time go? These last few weeks have been insanly crazy juice, with buying lots and lots of things to put in my suitcase. I leave tomorrow to adventure in the best kind of way and possibly get malaria in the heart of Peru. I could post my half finished blog posts but it would probably be for the best if I didnt. I dont like the thought of posting an unfinished post and I would have to finish it. I just do not have the time to do so though. 


I leave you good people until the middle of August!!

My brain is stupid!

Stupid stupid brain!!

I spend ages trying to think of new things to talk or write about, but my brain just goes on strike. I go for a walk all alone and suddenly all the awesome things that normally exist in my thought processes start falling out of my ears.

I think it may have been the most depressing walk ever, I had all these things I had to say but there was no one around and no technology capable of being typed upon. I started shaking, knowing that by the time I returned to typing devices half the thoughts would have melted away. Lo and behold it has happened :(


I remember some stuff, but my thought patterns can be so erratic that I cant remember how I got to them. 


Though Im going to have to go through all my pictures and rename them to the names I gave them in their adventures. I cant remember what half of them are called and Im afraid I will call new characters similar names. That would clearly be disastrous! If a bear and a hedgehog were accidently ever called the same name then clearly I would have to tell the tragic love story that happened should the two ever meet up, or the dull encounter of them not caring about sharing the same name. I forget where this is heading.. see this is how daft my brain juices are!

This doesnt count as a poem

I saw a bear dance on the moon. 
His eyes were large,
and his teeth were pointy,
yet his glee was forever lasting.


Diamond eyes looked across the land,
when light reflected across  them
lasers shot out and stabbed anything
that was seen by the diamond eyes of the bear
how joyous it is to dance in your own personal laser show!

Aliens are among us...

When most people think of aliens, these things come to mind:

Im not really sure why, maybe humans are drawn to super sleek silver sexy things? Though ok thats not really super sleek and silver its more slightly wavy and broken, but hush dear readers pretend tis the alien of your hearts desire...

Yeah thats a little weird... and by a little I mean I may have just ruined the stereotypical aliens for myself and anyone else who saw that. Also I think its kind of obvious that I have no idea about cars... for starters I have a serious thought that red is the go to colour for making cars look awesome. Also no cars let alone sporty ones look like that... moving on from that monstrosity I think.


 I mean when people talk about aliens, they always talk about the little green men coming to get you. Yet its the silver aliens to come get you, sitting there watching. Ok opinions have changed now, with the awesome powers of doctor who aliens are all sorts of different types of cool. However when I was a child I thought that all aliens looked like this:

It may have been that I was really hungry for jelly a lot of the time. But I really wanted those kind of aliens to exist, I drew them all the time. There was once a happy family of aliens but Im not drawing that because it took far too long to draw one on his own using this silly touchpad... ok maybe...  anyway Mr Glorganblatz works for the government. He dislikes his job but someone must do it and by doing it he ensures that his family is never subject to the horror of removal from society. At least from the time being... but it is a very large planet and a very overcrowded society filled with many luxuries. The loss of a few every now and again goes unnoticed and is generally viewed as a good thing as those taken are trouble makers and a menace to the pristine society. Once they are returned from their punishment then they will be much better behaved and will appreciate their world much more.
  Mr Glorganblatz,  condenses the trouble makers into tiny delicious cubes of jelly. Though these aliens are quiet big and dont like the whole being condensed thing, so they generally turn into long slabs of the jelly cubes. These are then sent to a distant planet for re-education... originally some of these were returned but as more and more jelly slabs were sent to the planet, the time between returning them grew longer and longer. More were being sent though and some of the higher ups in government fretted that the small planet they were sending the wrong doers to was going to get overflowed. When this concern was portrayed to the planet, they responded that as it was not a widely known thing amongst the general public it was taking a long time to re-educate some of the creatures. However some of the creatures could not be taught better they were rotten to the core. The planet wanted to know if they should execute the prisoners or sent them back to be executed. There was a long deliberation in the government of the jelly like people. Eventually it was decided that their planet was so overcrowded there was no point trying to sent back someone only for public execution. Instead they asked the planet to dispose of the ones who could not be taught better. This was done. Over time the planet said that the aliens were resistant to change and would beg for death rather than be sent back. The planet stopped sending back aliens very often. It was worrying but also a blessing the wondrous planet that the aliens reside on was becoming more and more overcrowded and it was often thought that if the betrayers were capable of change then they would simply over-crowd the planet and revert to their old ways. So they secretly requested that after an initial interview and a time period of one lunar cycle there was no change then the prisoners simply be executed. The planter agreed, but soon it was requesting more prisoners, saying that they had built such a large facility but it was going to waste... It was around this time that the government noticed the usually skinny members of the prisoner planet were looking rather well fed and pudgy around the middle... a horrifying thought occurred but then no one dared to question it. Still it hovered in the air above the government... what if earth was eating the jellies? To curb the ravenous appetite it was agreed that all jelliens near death or dead would be transformed and sent as a gift to appease the hungry earthlings... time was precious...


Since that tale was rather dark please enjoy this picture of Mr Glorganblatz and his family.

I feel bad, jelly and ice cream will surely make me feel better after writing that...

Im sleepy

Im sleepy... so so sleepy, so much so I feel the need for the first two words and the title to be the same thing! Bet no one else has ever been that sleepy... except for most other lazy people, or those that forget to update their title after writing blog based words. 
I dont know what to write about though, I just feel like writing words down and doing a merry jig. How I would manage to do a jig whilst trying not to fall asleep is beyond me though. I suspect it would be quiet horrific, you have to imagine what Im drawing because I dont know what it is yet. Also anything you imagine will undoubtedly be more better than what a dull doodle done by me will look like, unless it involves dinoplanes or raptercopters or even possibly a creature with the face of an orange and the wings of a dragon. 


I need something fluffy and warm! Only warm fuzz will stop the sleepy/ill feelings. I drew a dragon but he doesnt have a story yet, I feel really bad for him :(

Banana Bee's

Woo!!! 


What if the reason we are running out of bee's is because they fell in love with bananas and created a awful race of banana bees. They will sit peacefully in the fruit bowl eating the fructose from the other fruits, then when they are sucked dry or the banana bee is the only thing there then they will fly off in search of tasty sugar based joy. The africanised banana-bees will be much more vicious and attack all the peoples, stabbbing them in the tasty neck meat of humans. 

Well I assume its tasty, thats why there is the whole vampire thing going on there right? Zombies are not to picky they will just eat the any parts. Obviously they prefer the tasty brains. I feel like lichs or goblins should eat the breast meat or hips of people. That way, if there was ever a rampant uprising of mythological creatures, at least then they would be able to share and all the humans would provide food for a mass of creatures. Rather than just the necks and heads of humans being used as food/a way of reproduction. Actually... eww...


Wait a second, that picture of a banana bee doesnt even have a mouth! Those wings wont support him! Silly thing. How is he going to fly around and attack things in order to gain the sugary goodness of sugar sources without a mouth? That doesnt make sense. Silly banana bee!!!

Procrastinating

I really feel like I should be doing something important... perhaps washing the ceilings or start a knitting collection. Anything other than this coursework thats plaguing me. After a massively long month of assignments is taking it toll on my brain juices. Creativity is started to dry up and congeal around the corners of my brain as the evil education robots try to turn it into a functioning member of society... 

See!! All my magical rainbow thoughts are being replaced with disjointed thoughts about office work and incorrect mathematical formula. Which is strange since I dont even study maths, also this post is getting way too serious for my liking.


We should totally have education robots though, they would be much more effective in schools that teachers with all their no hitting the stupid outta kids policy. Dont know the alphabet? How about a laser to the face? That will encourage you to learn! Actually it will just be a lasered kid thats too scared to speak let alone recite the alphabet... perhaps education robots shouldnt be took quick to attack with lasers. If we simply equip them with improv based insults for the smart ass kids that insist on winding up teachers knowing nothing can be done to them? That might work out badly as well though, they could malfunction and go on a hilarious insult based comedy rampage. Causing a devastating outbreak of low self esteem amongst the future generations, forcing them all to run towards the ice cream counter to eat away their sorrows in a tasty frozen treat. Then we will have an outbreak of diabetes and health problems caused by overweight children which will destroy the world. This future is bleak, no education robots until we have perfected the technology...

Concerning giraffes

How awesome would it be if giraffes had springs instead of knees? Like some form of mutated pogo animals hybrid monster? They would be all like "Wooo Africaville" or where ever it is that giraffes live... I assume its Africa... mostly because thats where lions are right? They are obviously the only predator of giraffes? Who else is gonna see a giant long necked monster ripping leaves from trees and smelling each others pee and want to eat the hell out of that? No one thats who! Well maybe that insane balloon wearing rollar skating goat.. but he had a name and more than likely is a herbivore. Its funny because Im not even joking about the pee thing, to the google if you dont believe me.
Anyway knees are over-rated and springs should be the ultimate form of new-age knees. They are all like boing!!! How about that then? Lions gonna eat ya? Nope because you can just jump up and kick them in the chin.
What would make it even cooler is if the great plains of Africaville was made of trampoline covered in sand, then pogo knees and trampoline would make super mega awesome spring mounted jumping doom creations.

See! Wait I promised fish eating and returned with giraffes. Ah well. I made brownies so life is automatically good. Also for the record its really hard to draw springs being on the inside of knees, but you can clearly see the bouncing joy of spring knees. Except for when they fall over and die in such a way that their neck decides to fold at 90degrees to stay in the picture frame. They are so considerate that way. Seriously I cant find a simple way to make a tiny circle to symbolise degrees I have to manually type it out? That smells. I can get a giraffe to whip you in the face blogger type device!!!

brain vs hands

I seriously dont have the ability to make pictures. My brain is all like pwoah!!! and poosh and bwing. Then my hands are all like, thats just silly I can draw a squiggle. Thats what you wanted right mr brain? Then my brain starts to splode in anger because thats not what it meant and the hands know that! They cant be this dumb they must be doing it on purpose! 
Then when my hands finally submit to doing what Mr.Brain wanted, he makes a load of stuff get written that doesnt correspond to what the original picture was about in any sense of the word. Making the hands look incompetent once more even after they tried super hard to make stuff work. They will probably give up soon and just draw stick figures then the wonderful creations of the brain will never be placed in the outside world in an attempt to make sane things happen. 
Next week I eat a fish.

Chocolate joy!

Twas the day of zombie chocolate joy yesterday. Obviously the entire parts of the world that follow the righteous path of commercialism celebrated the day by feasting upon chocolate eggs distributed by a giant magical rabbit. The wizard rabbit is beloved by children of all ages from all areas, for the tasty magical powers. I like to think he is called Bertram and it all started up as a hobby, for his 8th birthday he got a magic kit and spent the the following three months practising magical card tricks and pulling coins from the ears of his peers. It would have taken a large amount of time for him to master the coin thing as rabbits tend not to have hair and have very prominent ears. Eventually he would have lost interest in magic but his grandma rabbit continued to buy him magical accessories as she loved the tricks and the mystery he was able to perform and obviously wanted the best for him. Bertram became frustrated with the magical toys as they were only tricks not real magic. After a heated argument about the childish toys he was still getting on his 14th birthday his grandma collapsed and was rushed to hospital, when Bertram tried to visit her he was turned away. She was still very upset about how he had reacted and refused to see him until he could show he was grateful. 
Bertram had no idea how to prove this so sat on a rock overlooking a pond and sulked like a teenage rabbit. Eventually he realised he loved his grandma rabbit and would love magic if it was real, to show her how much she had inspired him he would learn real magic! He tried to find a real wizard to teach him the mystical ways but the head of the rabbit council told him it was impossible. Heartbroken he hopped dejectedly across the fields he called home, until he came across the zombie king. The zombie king being a tiny evil frog. After listening to much begging and pleading he granted the hopeful teenage bunny the magical powers of wizardry, but it turned out to be a terrible curse for the zombie king's powers would only work if zombiehood was granted as well. Unfortunately, whilst Bertram was now undead he was not immortal and this would prove to be his undoing. However he was young and did not think of the consequences, instead he hopped merrily to his grandma and show how much she had inspired him. She recovered and for a while all was well, until Bertram began using his powers selfishly and bringing shame to those who loved him. He became so terrible and selfish, he made piles of chocolate covered carrots appear and ate them in front of hungry bunnies and when the prettiest bunny at school refused to go to the dance with him he enacted a terrible vengeance. The school warren began to burn to the ground and tunnels collapsed. The zombie king looked on and knew that teenage angst and zombie powers do not go together, but Bertram had begged for the power and now he must be punished. 
Three weeks later Bertram visited his grandma and asked her for help, he realised he was out of control and not using his powers the way he should. Magic had been a thing of joy for him once and he wanted to use it to bring joy to others but he did not know how. He also knew the other rabbits would be afraid of him for he had caused horrible things to happen and the head of the rabbit council was advising everyone to stay away from him claiming he was a monster. As he was talking the zombie king jumped out and started biting his head, he caused no permanent harm as he had heard how Bertram wished to change but it was enough to scare the young rabbit even more. He begged the zombie king for one more favour and the king said he would consider it. Bertram wished for a way to make up for the wrongs he had done and to bring joy to everyone, this was granted but he was warned that the previous powers given to him along with the new magic meant that if he did not bring joy to children every year then his magic would stop working and the zombie powers would leave him. Bertram assured his grandma and the zombie king that if he was not making people happy then his powers would be useless anyway. He then dedicated a day to bring children of all species joy, for the humans it was in the form of delicious chocolatey goodness. He had to create a factory in his mind to vary between the different types of chocolate and it made him very sad. However seeing the joy brought to the faces of children on easterday morning made it all worth while and Bertram was at peace. Almost every month he does something special to try to make everyone happy, whilst in the winter months he rests and recovers as zombie powers are draining. But he is happy, for he is finally able to bring joy to people using his magical powers and now he is at peace in his heart. 

These words took far too long to write and the story got ridiculously dark.... I got a giant kinder easter egg though, I love eating chocolate and finding toys inside it ^_^

Thursday words on a monday

I am officially sad!
One of my favourite times of the year is drawing to a close. Spring is now officially in the air. The snowdrops are slowly dying, they wither a little more each day. Their fragile beauty being consumed and over run by the bright yellow of the sun flowers. Or daffodils if you feel like conventional naming. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the bright sunshine growing on the grass. Everyone and everything seems eager to praise the returning of the warming season by planting a living tribute to the sun that shall light up their life. I just hate that they start to assert their beauty as the snowdrops fade into a withered flowery husk. There should be more snowdrops in the world, they are tiny fragile things that mark the ending of winter in a beautiful flowery display. They are officially my new favourite flower until I declare another one or forget I made this announcement! (Take heed alien boyfriend!)


The mini daffodils don't make me sad. They are so tiny they are like the freaky mutated offspring of a daffodil and a snowdrop. Maybe I'm secretly stereotypically Japanese and obsessed with tiny things? Oh wait, I just realised I'm tall and round instead of being short and skinny. Alas I shall never be stereotypically Japanese :( I suppose I shall have to settle for being British or a member of the pixie brigade. I no longer know what is going on, I have not slept for a rather long time and am pretty sure I intended to speak about how much I love a certain type of flower not how I will never be any other race than my own. Alas plastic surgery has only come so far and magic hasn't finished being invented yet which I'm fairly certain is one of the worst crimes against humanity so far. Yup forget starvation, poverty and the blatant desire to create eating disorders within all young females in the "civilised" western world through the power of the fashion industry. If we had magic  life would clearly be the best thing ever, nothing could make it bad. There would clearly be no Voldemorts or anything. Oh no why am I still talking, I just ended up rambling even more about other nonsensical things. Wait Im typing I can stop any time I like...


or not...




I don't know how to fix this, I will draw a terrible fabulous picture instead!

Jargen

I had a mild panic since I posted my last blog for the stupidest of reasons. Firstly a posted a post that wasnt finished and it made me sad. Also I may need to say post more often in a sentence as that clearly was not enough.

Secondly I noticed I got pageviews after my post, I edited it and finished it with a whole paragraph of extraness but there were no more page views. 

I know this kinda sounds like Im fishing for people to look at my stuff but you're only going to look at it, if an extra paragraph of inane nosensical words makes you happy. Point is, I panicked and now I dont know what to write about.

Except for this man who looked very much like he was trying to be an edwardian court member earlier. So much so, from behind with his pudding bowl haircut, tights and velvet jacket I was convinved he was a lady. 


I also am now panicking because I wrote this post a week ago and forgot to hit publish. Ah well.

Cats

I've always loved cats. Ever since I was a tiny moonbeam shaped creature they always seemed so amazing and lovely and furry and hugable. I was a crazy cat lady before I even finished with being a teenager, I had 4 at one point that I kept on a regular basis. I started off with one. She was a whore. The first kitten was a beautiful ginger boy so we decided to keep him. We booked her in to get fixed but she ran away before we could take her and only returned when she was pregnant again. Those kittens we gave away except for two, my friend said she would like them so I hung onto them for her. She decided after they were too old for anyone else to want them that she didnt want cats anymore. This is why people are terrible things! I was left with cats I didnt want because I was nice to a friend, the niceties of life I suppose. 

I love my cats though and most others, the change came when I moved across the country for university. I rarely got to see animals, until I moved to where I live now. There are many cats that roam the local area, but they are strange. As you walk down the street they sit under things and just watch, if you happen to see them and they are not under an object strange things happen. The creature that was once cat shaped, freezes and slowly puffs up. Once it has become a giant fluff ball it waits until you blink, then it vanishes. Occasionally you can see a leg disappear on the opposite side of the street.

Its a terrifying thing, Im fairly certain they are shape shifting demons that simply assume the cat shapes thinking most people will leave them alone. They have secret meetings at night and discuss their plans for either global domination or sock theft. No normal cat can move that quickly or fluff up so much. I walked home from work late last night and I clearly interrupted something evil.

Eyes were flashing from every direction, just watching and lurking in the shadows...

These cats are so creepy... I dont want to go outside at night now in case they eat me.

Edit: This post feels unfinished but my brain broke and I dont really know what else to write.. I shall try anyway.


The only thing convincing me these poof balls are not true evil is that when you walk down the street, its tiny yellow eyes flashing at you not blood red ones. Whilst these monster cats are scary, they could be worse. Im just not sure how much time I have left before they realise I am on to their shape shifting demonic ways and decide to neutralise me. I suppose once they are onto me they would watch me more giving me a slight heads up. I would just have to be careful not to walk outside when its dark, I may actually see cats with red eyes. Or no cats at all, that may be worse. 
I could be walking along happy after a late shift at work and enjoying the lack of flashing eyes or giant fluffy creatures walking across my path when suddenly! I would get frozen in place, as a demon cat would be attacking my shadow and stopping me from moving. A simple warning of their power... What damage could these crazy creatures do to me if they really wanted to?!?


I may try to think of happier things that are less likely to make me paranoid of being outside now, like jelly beans ^_^

This post may be late...

There was an extra day!!! 
I have a special friend who had her 6th official birthday and is getting married later this year. It was amusing! I was going to be all joyous that she got a real birthday, but then I realised that all the people born on the extra day probably celebrate their birthday on the 28th of Feb and 1st of March and just have two whole days of being special. I would totally have several days of being a birthday queen. I'll probably just walk around one day and throw glitter all over the place and eat jelly and ice cream thats the best part of birthdays right?


Aside from being amused on the extra day, I convinced a friend to fill a bed with balloons, danced and drew a picture of a bear on a unicycle.
I then realised that I ran out of paper so it ended up being a bear...
I forgot I am really bad at drawing so it ended up looking like a fat furry owl with legs and something that resembled arms...
I drew this using my own two hands so now I cant even pretend my goofy pictures are so odd because Im using mspaint and a mouse :(
I should be a sad noodle...

Tiny noodle based arms make it super hard to draw. Also there are no fingers..No noodles can draw without fingers!!!

Luckily Im really bad at remembering how to be sad, also I found a much better emotion to have.


Confusion and disbelief.


It was the first of March, at 10am in England I managed to get sunburnt. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I dont even know how to express it!! I mean if I was the sort of person that could go out in the snow and blend into the background and it was also summer I could understand. But Im really really not! Ginger people dont even get sunburnt in that little amount of sun!!!


This post is terrible.


But I am sunburnt and have a cold, my brain cannot cope with this and has turned off. I only know basic functions like sleep and drinking water... I have a weird feeling theres some other function Im supposed to do. Hopefully alien boyfriend will remind me what it is soon.


Next time I remember a coherent writing style!!!






...Im probably lying about that last bit...

The purple lady

Apparently I am a terrible person. I actually promised words and started thinking about writing them, then got scared and confused because I was planning silly things and so hid away from my blog. But this is my blog and I shouldnt hide from it, especially since its not really read by anyone. I mean if I had a large amount of subscribers then I would be justified in hiding in a cardboard box and weeping into a ham, since I dont I did neither of those things but thought about writing then thought "Nah." 


I saw a fabulous old lady today, but in order for you to appreciate the joy that she brought me I must tell a story. This is the tale of the old sexy purple lady.


One fair afternoon, during my very first year at university I was sat drinking cocktails in one of the student pubs guarding a friends possessions and potentially awaiting the arrival of others. We were sat near the window so we could lure people away from the evils of lectures with the holy promises of losing ones inhibitions and enjoying tasty things. I was trying to build an octopus out of straws that still allowed for drinking when I realised it was pretty much a ridiculous task and looked up and out of the window I saw the most beautiful thing. Walking across from me was one of the best things I have ever seen. It was an old lady. Everything about her, expect for her skin was purple. She had short lilac hair, and was wearing a deep velvet purple jacket with a matching hat. She was wearing a purple skirt, Im not entirely certain if she had legs as they were either out of my vision or I dont believe in them. She walked up to a nearby wall placed her purple handbag on it, took out a purple mirror fluffed up her hair then put it away and continued on her journey.

The magical old purple lady.

I ran out the door and into my friend as he returned from his quest for lung cancer with a smooth taste. By the time I detangled myself and made it outside she had completely vanished. I was left bitter and disappointed that I had missed her, though its probably for the best as I may have just asked her to marry me. I saw her again occasionally, though mostly when I was running late to lectures so I could never be sure it was her as it was just a glance. The one time I say her for longer than a second I realised not only is gay marriage illegal, but that telling her how awesome of an old lady she was and how I wished to be quiet as cool when I was old would probably be quiet creepy and would result in me getting hit round the head with a purple bag. Probably filled with purple bricks. Just the thought of that little old purple lady makes me smile, and realise that not all old people are grumpy or crazy some actually have spirit and fire left in them. Isnt that something that brings joy to the hearts of all?


Now that you fully understand just how amazing this old lady was, though I probably failed to mention some key points and made myself sound really creepy and with a fetish for the elderly. The latter of those at the very least is not currently true, though I hope it is when I am myself elderly as otherwise I would be a creepy old man. The fact that I would need an elderly sex change to make that happen would make me even creepier... Im disturbing myself now and Im fairly certain that the original point I wanted to make got away from me slightly.. Regardless, wonderous purple lady makes me smile everything I think of her as she represents life continues etc. Whilst riding the bus this fair morn I saw a truely amazing hairstyle on this 50something black lady. I dont say that to be judgemental but because she was one of the unlucky ones that grow afro like hair, which looks good on the males but hasnt looked good on females since scary spice. However it was really short so it looked rather fluffy, but with longer bits that were sticking up that were red. I was honestly impressed by this, because it looked so amazingly good and must have taken so much effort to do. It was honestly one of the best hair things I have ever seen. After this another black lady got on the bus with long braids, some of which were bright pink. I swear it was like amazing black female hair day today or something. Though I mean it was only two... but thats two more people with really funky hair than I saw on any other ethnicity today!


I feel more people should make an effort to make their hair look fabulous and unique even if its just with something shiny in it. The sparkles will attract more sparkly things and soon people will be walking around wearing glitter ball hats. Which would be amazing... maybe I should just do that anyway. Or maybe a big floppy hat with wondrous objects around the side to dazzle people.

This is what I need, its like an up to date easter bonnet... with no mention of spring or easter... it will be the most magnificent thing I ever did own. I would walk down the street and hummingbirds would throw flowers at my feet thats just how great life would be if I owned this.


Ok its bugging me, the amount of effort and work to get all the red bits the same length and so uniform around the head confuses me... crap it was probably a hat.